Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't deserve a penis
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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