Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
