True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
