We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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