That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
