just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
