I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
