i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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