dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just saw a hot homeless man
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize