I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We need to get me chipped asap
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
