So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
