Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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