so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
