You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
