Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
