Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
