It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
