Please, let me fuck your mom
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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