cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize