I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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