When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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