a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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