You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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