omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Randomize
