I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
