She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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