I am puke
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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