You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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