My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
