You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am one with the molecules
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
