trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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