what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
