can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize