I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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