All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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