I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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