Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
