you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize