My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
