you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
