i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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