Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
