mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
