Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
