Say something about gay babies.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
