I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
