i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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