highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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