I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
