Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
