Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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