Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
