So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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