My hand turned me down
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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