Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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