Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I want her autograph on my taint
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize