don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
