party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
