I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
