Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize