WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
