we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
