I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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