if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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