Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
