he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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