I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
