I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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