I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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